"Vanity, or something like it, is what's destroying me."

Recovered anorexic/bulimic prone to relapsing into either one of the two with the slightest of provocation. Now that I'm older I'm trying to use my affinity for writing to articulate what I wasn't able to before and so is born the blog.

Layout is by Cia: (Blog | Acc)
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Links inspiration are from: Alissa. xoxo
Thursday, December 12, 2013
I don't know what I'm doing creating this bubble again, stoking this fire in my mind like it could ever end any differently. I suppose it's as simple as unloading, venting. An open dialogue about my plagued brain is not necessarily encouraged though not quite forbidden. It's frustrating, the hard fact is that no one really understands it. We can nod and ruminate all day long if I really wanted but the people around me simply do not understand. 

My complaints are simple enough. I may not be sick how I was but I am sick still. Being underweight was not the only danger related to my eating disorder. Four years of binging and purging was equally as detrimental to my health as the two previous years spent starving. It's not appropriate to rummage through my clothes and conclude out loud in my presence that the item is too small to ever fit me again. It's not wise to make light of the type or quantity of the food I eat at any time. Do not occasionally remind me how much smaller I use to be whilst wistfully recalling how I could have been a model. 

I know you must think that with weight back on I'm out of the woods but you have to know that will not ever be true. I still see food as a collection of numbers and I can still feel fat pooling under my skin. Once I physically saw it, don't pretend like you've forgotten. 

It would be easier if I had some way of letting you into my head because no matter what I'll never be able to competently articulate the absolute anguish I went through, continue to go through. You won't ever know what it was like for me at 13, 14, 15 no matter how much I try to explain it. It undermines what I experienced when you reflect with humour, with an attitude like remember that crazy time[…]. It is not yours to mock, it was not your life! It never was and never will be the light hearted, close call you seem to remember it as. Please, please stop supposing we're past this. I'm not. 

Maybe in secret you tried to educate yourself on the subject but I can't believe that when you flounce so ungracefully around the issue. And I'm not calling you a trigger but when we all pretend like it was never a problem, like I never screamed and cried about porridge, it makes me feel discredited, it makes me feel like it never really was problem, it makes me feel like I'm suffering from something like a cold in the winter time, a fear of eating when I don't approve of the scale reading. 

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